that old devil moon again

Hey!

It's been a while since I've posted.  I've been so caught up in life that I haven't even thought of blogging. A new job, a busy life, and a new home have taken over what time I've had.

I guess life is alright, for right now.  I may be a little lonely, and crave the company of Love's lost, or the new thrill of a love found.  But there is that taunting moon still to watch over me, while I slumber in my empty-but-me bed.

Sometimes I dream of love that is so strong that nothing can break through it. Other times, I give my head a shake and tell myself "love is for suckers." Lying to ones self is sometimes the best way to ease a hollow heart with hunger pangs.

I wonder if the famous lovers of history felt so envious of others loves, when they themselves faltered in finding or keeping it...?

I catch myself lacking the ambition for meaningless sex.  I feel as though I may have had my share.  Maybe more than my share...  But at the end of the day, I'll take what I can get.

Time for bed. Just me, my empty bed, crisp clean sheets, my dog on the floor beside my bed, and that moon. Always that moon.

This Mermaid wants to go home.

I'm completely lost tonight.
So much wrong all at once.  I'm wondering how long I can do this. 

I just went to a friends facebook page, to rip him a new ass hole for not yet meeting up with me since his return to Calgary.  I guess I was too late.  I guess I'll never have the chance again.

I'm so sad, I feel completely empty, and I really needed a friend.  A friend to stroke my hair and tell me that it will be OK.  Looks like I am the only one I have.
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When I was a little boy, my grandparents owned the Delta Beach concession stand.  While they worked, I swam.  I wanted so badly to meet a Mermaid so that she could turn me into some sort of merman.  I never wanted to come back to shore again.  I feel this way right now.

I don't want to be around people.  I don't want to be a part of the clanging shattering loudness that is the ground.  I just want to be under the cool dark water ... even if that meant I would be there alone forever.  Even if I didn't even have another mermaid friend to share it with.  I could be the legend that haunts the waters of some small town lake.  As long as it meant that I was far enough away.  As long as it meant I didn't have to lose anything else.

I wish I could swim away right now.  I wish I could never come back. I wish.

If I'm the only one that matters to me, because I don't matter to anyone else, at least I can forget.  No more nagging and cruel jokes.  No more fakes.  Just some fins, and the sound of the gulls.  I could even do without my ipod.

I think it's time.  I wish it was.

It seems like everyone I know goes away.  And they come back changed.  I just wish I could go away, but not come back. 

I want my Dorian back tonight.  He'd know exactly what to say.  I feel like giving up my religion, as I am pretty sure I have no faith in a god that only takes from me.  The idea that god was nice, that god was good, that god cared about all of us comforted me.  But now that I feel so alone I realise it was all just a beautiful lie.
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THERE'S GONNA BE A DARKNESS

There's gonna be roses,
And your picture in a frame,
The women will be cryin' and the men they will whisper your name.

Umbrellas will be open,
On a hillside of graves.
And children will be dressed up and chase
Each other in the rain.

And there's gonna be a darkness,
it may be colder than you'd guess.
There may not be music.
There may not be stairs.
There may not be angels filling the air.

Your mother may be there.
Your father may be there.
There may not be voices sent from a throne,
to carry you home.

Now Heaven may not get you,
The Devil may see you first.
He's hitting himself in both the beast and the birth.
A stranger may have found you,
where the angels have lulled you sleep,
to swallow you whole like a whale from you head to your feet.

And there's gonna be a darkness,
it may be colder than you'd guessed.
There may not be music.
There may not be stairs.
There may not be angels filling the air.

Your mother may be there.
Your father may be there.
There may not be voices sent from a throne,
to carry you home.

Well you think there's a place,
wide open and white,
well you think you'll be safe,
where you think there'll be a light.

And there's gonna be a darkness,
it may be colder than you'd guessed.
There may not be music.
There may not be stairs.
There may not be angels filling the air.

Your mother may not be there.
Your father may not be there.
There may not be voices sent from a throne,
to carry you home.

There may not be music.
There may not be stairs.
There may not be angels filling the air.


Your mother may not be there.
Your father may not be there.
There may not be voices sent from a throne,
to carry you home.
-JD & GL