Choice

Ever feel like instead of having soooo many choices, that you yourself are simply one of many other peoples many other choices?  Like no-name ketchup: Someone will grab you when the better bottles are gone.  In reality, the no-name ketchup is way less expensive, and tastes exactly the same if not better than the brand name stuff.

I kind of feel like this today.

When the boys of my life need sauce, they seem to go for the newest flavor, instead of the good old classic.  What do I do?  Should I add something?  Spice it up? Change what I am?  After I've added the zest, can I ever taste the same again?

I guess I may never know.  Man I hate this being single bull-shit.  I hate it a lot.

I want someone to cook for.  I want someone to hold me at night.  I want love. The fights, the making up, the romance, the reality, the dream. I want it all, and i want it now.

Had a date with the engineer last night, all went well.  I like him and he's oh so sweet, but does he feel the same?  Have I given the milk away for free?  Is there a spark? or am I convincing myself to feel less lonely?

Is there something wrong with me? I mean besides the obvious trust issues I bear, and the self loathing I am starting to feel.  No-one is creating this lonely place but me.  I just wish I could figure out what I am doing wrong and simply work at fixing it.

Am I unattractive?  Am I unkind? Am I selfish?  I gotta figure this shit out.  30 is lurking.  30? 30? 30? OMFG 30!!!

I don't want to spend my 30's unsuccessful in love, money, time management, and health. 

How do I get on the right path?  How do I figure it all out?  HOW?

I digress.

The idea that I would have been married by now (successfully: Meaning not divorced or separated or widowed) is such a joke... But when I see my friends starting their new lives with partners, or other friends still being with their very alive partners, it feels a bit like the knife going in.  Why is that?  I mean, of course I am so very happy for them, but I crave to be happy like they are.

Every night I wash my face, put on my night cream, my eye cream, my lip treatment.  Every night I crawl into my cold lonely bed and go to sleep.  Every morning I wake up alone.  Is this going to change?  Is this going to just become standard forever?  Am I biding my time? Or simply training myself to get used to the way life will always be?

Do I settle for whatever comes my way?  Douche bags and users?  Just to not feel lonely?  I feel like I am getting there.  I guess the one good thing about being a divorcee and a widow is that I can never be called a spinster...

I'm going to now lay in bed, watch a movie (most likely about two stupid people that fall in love) and go to bed.  Maybe tonight I shouldn't even wash off my makeup... break the cycle?