Someone like you

So, I've been having thoughts of an ex recently.  Not sure why, but he comes into my thoughts every few months or so since we broke up a few years ago.

I miss him tonight so much.  I think I loved how we were friends AND lovers.

He made me be me, forced me to actually.  It was a great time in my life.  My best friend at the time and I had a fight, and as a last trial at hurting me he broke us up.  I think it spiraled into some sort of mess, and kind of cleaned itself up on its own, but never really got back to where it was.

Secretly, I have never forgiven my friend for the mess he caused, but that's a whole other story. 

My ex and I hooked up for single nights here and there over the last few years, but I can't get anything more it would seem.  I want more.  But that's life.

Our recent email transactions on facebook looked like this:

Me:

"Dear _____,
It bugs me that you are so handsome. It's distracting.
Sigh.
I miss you.
Is that dumb/lame/sad?"

Him:

"Ha ha no never dumb ....
Thank u love :)"

Me:

"Well I hope it's not too little too late _____, I know I hurt you before, and I can never apologize enough for it. But I'd really like to know you again. You're a special guy, and I've never really had you leave my mind."

_______________________________________________________________________

I feel as though I exposed myself too much to him there, but I thought as I sent it: better to say it than to always wonder.

Where is the fucking delete button?
Why can't I delete it?

I feel like I will face a horrid rejection in the morning, or whenever it is that he responds.  Now I will probably continue to check my email every hour until he responds.

Ugh.

But it was all true.  Somehow I allowed him to get hurt, I feel bad, I want him, and Jesus... He just gets more beautiful every time I see him or a picture of him. 

I will figure this out. I will. But it's gonna hurt.  I can already tell.

And what of the Ginger? and the engineer?  I'd gladly walk away, no biggie.  No commitment yet, nothing serious.  I want this to feel serious.  I want him.

Let's see how this pans out.
Maybe I might be surprised?  Maybe it will be a good surprise? 
Cross my finger and toes and heart that it will be.

Goodnight.