Things that make you go hmmm.

My mom's in town.  Currently sleeping in my bed, while I sit here on the couch waiting on the roast beef I have on the go.

Sometimes I wonder what it is like to be her.
Dozens of pills per day, pain-killers and anti-psychotics and anti-depressants.  Something kind of scary in that.  She is 100% the reason that I have a problem even eating Tylenol.  I wonder what it's like to be her, so that I can figure out a way to never become her. 

Something happened maybe, some accident, or something that pushed her over the edge one day.  I can't say, because I don't really know.  But whatever it was, she is not the woman I remember.  This is probably a good thing, as I don't really remember liking the woman that she was very much.  She is a lot calmer most times, and often quiet... until she's not. 

Predictable now too.  That is the thing I like the most.  I can always call out exactly what the visits will be like.  Wanting breakfast served to her, exactly the way she wants it.  Questioning my use of pepper in EVERY single dish that I cook, she full on believes that she is allergic to pepper... (I have seen her eat food LOADED with pepper, and she's fine. As long as you promise that it is not the case.)  Or questioning the use of feather pillows on my bed (which I don't in fact use...) as she is allergic to feathers too... 




 
Last night I apparently made her angry, when I wouldn't give her a ring that was a gift from my late ex Dorian.  Yikes.  I love her, honestly I do, but it's hard sometimes to not be my regular self and just say "enough is enough."  If I snap, she will cry until she vomits, and then verbally assault me until I end up being the one that says sorry. So I tough it out.  She is being quite good this visit though, so that is a plus. 

I wonder If I will become like her one day.  I pray that I never suffer from such extreme mental illness.  I appreciate the people in my life so much more during (and after) these visits.  I think it helps to know that there are people out there that may tell me when/if I am sliding off the deep end.  She means well, and I know she loves me (at least I hope so), so I take the good with the bad.  But honestly, I could use a glass of straight up gin right now.

Last night, whilst my mother was sleeping in my bed, and I was sleeping on the couch, my roommate (it was his birthday) came home and proceeded to vomit for close to an hour.  The neighbors were very drunk as well, and were vomiting in the back alley.  All I could hear was vomiting and snoring.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  When I finally got my 4.5 hours of sleep, I was awoken by being hit in the face with a pillow by my mother, like a kid on Christmas morning, wanting coffee and breakfast.  I think maybe I am just tired.

Now, as both my mother and my roommate sleep, I am sitting here, waiting for dinner to cook, with red tired eyes, and just maybe the start of a few new wrinkles. 

God help me.

Thank goodness I tend to skip the family visits during most holidays... I would look like I was about 95 years old right now otherwise.